Are Villages Born or Made?

by Stan

I know this is more commonly a question asked about leaders, but it seems appropriate given our desire to encourage others through our example. Just as with leaders, the answer to this question is most likely, “Both”. You see, the most successful leaders must possess certain innate qualities that one simply cannot learn… desire, passion, drive, imagination, caring, etc. But those are not enough. Leaders must also learn communication, visioning, prioritization, strategy, etc. Now don’t get me wrong, one can become a competent leader by learning the X’s and O’s, but truly brilliant leadership is revealed when developed skills are enlivened with natural traits… they compliment one another.

So it is with villages. For a village to be truly remarkable the villagers must share certain innate, fundamental values… spirituality, family, health, education, etc. It is these values upon which the village is built. These are the ties that bind. Without these basic building blocks, it is impossible to find the common ground required for sustainable relationships. That is, after all, what a village is… relationships. I can only imagine that absent these common values, the village would be filled with frustration, confusion, close-mindedness and overall conflict. In other words, it would be the exact antithesis of a village.

Once villagers have identified and gravitated toward this common value set, the real work can begin and the true value can be realized. Our values offer the backdrop for the group norms we must establish and the behaviors that we must learn to exhibit. Over time we learn what is acceptable and what is out of bounds. Through the process of becoming a village and building those relationships with fellow villagers, you learn what buttons not to push and what paths not to cross. A note of caution, however… villages that are built solely upon group norms and organizational rules (learned activities devoid of shared values) can become very stark and disingenuous. Rather than functioning from a position of authentic admiration and sincere empathy, villagers operate from a position of pretense and showmanship.

In the final analysis, there is no single formula for establishing a successful village. They must be grounded on shared values (born) and evolved through shared experiences (made).

Villages are Not Formulaic, They Just Happen

by Luke

The formation of a ‘village’ is not forced or initiated; rather it happens naturally and even, dare I say, mystically and providentially. In other words, one does not start out to be a member of a village, it just happens to him or her. Our ‘village’ is a great case study in this regard. Some of us have been ‘around’ each other or shared the same space before entering the village.

Consider the following: four of the members of our village went to the same high school; two graduated in 1978, one graduated in 1977, the other one graduated in 1976. The four fathers and two of the sons are members of the same fraternity. Six of the members of our village went to the same college. After graduating from college, the couples just started hanging out.

Why? We had so many things in common: fraternal ties, worldview ties, collegial ties, etc. And no one said, “Hey, we have these things in common, so let’s start hanging out together.” And no one said, “Hey, let’s call ourselves a ‘village.’” We just spent time together and an unforced genuine fondness for each other just happened. In other words, there is not a formula or recipe to follow to get a special group of close friends like this. It just happens and I think you will know when it happens.

All four couples have two kids each. Two couples are godparents to each other’s children. Several years ago one of the village families moved to St. Louis and the other three families remain in Kansas City, Missouri. When the family now living in St. Louis visits Kansas City, they make visiting with the other three couples a high priority.

Today, we continue to hang out because I think subconsciously and consciously we all realize we have a special and dear friendship. A member of the village once sensed when another member was struggling, which was confirmed with a call.

We actually enjoy each other’s company and we can disagree and still enjoy each others’ company. Two couples (before kids) traveled from Kansas City to/from New Orleans by car together. And in spite of the fact that one of the wives was a little annoying (she didn’t mean to be), we are still friends. We all have gone on vacations together (yes four families together).

All of our experiences, well, they just happened.