The Village Connection

The Village Selfishly Lives.....on and on!!!!

2011-10-13T14:22:00.004-05:00

I asked Andrew yesterday how his PSAT test was and his answer was "extremely easy". My response to him was "that scares me"! But now that I have had time to reflect on that, it really doesn't. He has spent his life being surrounded by some of the most positive children I know!

Allison, Courtney, Brandon, Ryan, Austin, Briana and Caleb never cease to amaze me. They continue to set the bar higher and higher for each other. They connect on so many levels and push each other so well, if I could mass produce what they have and sprinkle it on others, just imagine this world.

It was a formula concieved by eight "selfish" individuals over 27 years ago! We selfishly decided we wanted to improve our condition and our communities condition We selfishly decided that our word was bond and we would be there for each other regardless. We selfishly decided that it takes a"village" to raise each other and our children so we tapped into each others resources to deal with lifes challenges. We selfishly celebrate all successes that have come our way.

I believe the most selfish thing we do however is intentionally come together annually for the purpose of letting out children see what is possible for them. They can look at what milestones each of them cross every year and say to each other "I see you"!

So of course the PSAT was incredibly easy to Andrew. He was more than prepared. He had already taken the test seven previous times.

Who are you? Really.

2009-11-09T16:00:00.004-06:00

by Papa_Stan

One of the villagers recently posed the question, “Is it better to be right or popular?” While it’s a legitimate question, it’s also a no-brainer for The Village. “Right” trumps “popular” everyday in The Village. Even better is the fact that the villagers have a pretty common understanding of right and wrong. For that reason, the lines are fairly clearly drawn and the case is very clear-cut… popularity without integrity is of little value. On that, we can all agree. The question, though, stirred up for me a less clear quandary. Is it better to be effective or authentic?

We all strive to be effective AND authentic. As a matter of fact, most of us believe it is actually our authenticity that makes us effective. While that may be true inside the safe confines of The Village, what happens when we are called to be effective in our external dealings? Do you ever exchange authenticity for effectiveness at work, at school, or at play? Do you ever shield others from your true self in order to be effective?

Sometimes this alternate nature is represented by the masks we wear. We change our hairstyles or our dress to make us most effective with our audience. Sometimes we use a particular tone or voice inflection with our co-workers than we might use with the fellas from the neighborhood. You can be brutally honest with your brother and have to be a bit more tactful with your teaching assistant. We have all done it. In those cases are you being authentic? Some might argue that people are complex beings and the ability to morph in and out of various characters (or characteristics) is a useful talent and really represents the totality of who we really are.

The masks are one thing, but what about pretending to agree with something or be someone because you know the ruse will result in effectiveness? Before you answer too quickly ask yourself, “Have I ever laughed at a joke that I didn’t think was funny?” “Have I ever clapped for a speaker whose speech missed the mark?” “Have I ever complimented a host whose meal was less than appealing?” Examples like these are often benign encounters, but what happens when the stakes are a bit higher.

The danger comes when you are tempted to accept values that you don’t agree with or reject principles that are important to the way you live your life – and doing so under the guise of being effective. I imagine politicians have to constantly struggle with the dilemma of supporting a position that they don’t agree with in order to garner support for a project their constituents so desperately need. It’s perceivable that a military leader be faced with rejecting established principles in order to save the lives of the battalion. Even religious leaders, at some point, must have to turn a blind eye to societal ills in order to further a greater good.

Authentic vs. Effective. You make the call.

I'm Better Because of You

2009-05-09T13:42:00.010-05:00

by Mama Rita

I had a wonderful conversation with a young couple(my godchild Courtney and her boyfriend Ron)that included the topic of relationships. Of course, as Courtney's godmother, I am listening to the conversation intently because the young man could one day became part of our "family." As always, I am impressed with my godchild's taste in "friends."

Courtney has always been the Village child that was mature, focused and intelligent, so it was no surprise when Ron shared with me that one of the things he liked about Courtney is the fact that she "made him want to be a better person." What did surprise me is that the statement caused me to really ponder the power relationships can wield on our lives. What a wonderful testament to Courtney's character that she had that kind of positive influence on someone.

I shared a summary of the conversation with Courtney's dad, Stan. And he said that he tries to make it a practice to be in relationships that inspire him to be better. He gave the example of his friendship with the other Village dads, Cedric, Luke and Tim, and how each of them influence him to be a better father, manager, golfer (OK I threw that one in there, but I am sure it would be on the list), Christian, etc.

Stan and I went on to discuss how important it is for all of the Village children to be intentional about developing relationships with those that will somehow influence them to be better and to also shun those individuals that may cause them to achieve less than their potential.

We have a great opportunity and responsibility: to live in such a way that we make others better and to also make sure we don't let others influence us in a manner that inhibits our ability to be and do our very best.

Summertime Plans?

2009-04-25T09:12:00.009-05:00

In just a few weeks the Village young people that are in school will have completed another year of getting some book knowledge. Feels like the school year zoomed by, but I am sure some may feel the school year didn't come to an end fast enough.

I'd love to see some posts or just comments to this post about your plans for the summer. Are you taking summer courses, traveling the world, earning money, attending camps or just chillin'?

I think it would also be great to see a Village student or two provide a post about what insights they gained from the past school year, both book and life knowledge.

Speak up!

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

2009-03-15T22:36:00.009-05:00

by Mama Rita
I was happy to hear the following words from someone whose life has had several low points over the years: "I wish I had known three years ago that things were going to be so much better."

I want to remember those words for myself. We all have to "go through" some rough times. Sadly, we sometimes act as if the rough times will never end. I certainly have been guilty of that kind of thinking.

I encourage each of us to practice a lot of faith and a little perseverance the next time the hill of life feels like a never ending steep mountain. Remember The Little Engine That Could story? That little engine had faith that he could make it over the mountain and he verbalized that faith with: I think I can, I think I can.

And especially remember that God's word says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

So let's be sure to encourage each other to persevere and stand on God's word, even when the mountain seems humongous.

I think I can, because I know God can.

Everyday should be Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T11:57:00.002-06:00

Valentine's Day has traditionally been the day that people express their love for one another. Minus the commercialization (candy, cards & Cupid), people who love each other ought to express their love for one another everyday. So, just in case you don't know it (because we don't say it enough) I love each and every member of the Village...not just today, but every single day.

Why Not Meet the Parents?

2009-01-24T21:48:00.010-06:00

by Mama Rita
Hopefully by now the Village offspring know they have four sets of parents. Which means when the offspring "date," "are in a relationship," "have a boy/girlfriend," or whatever the appropriate label may be, the significant other may well meet not one, but up to four sets of parents.

Luke, Caleb, and I took Ryan to dinner (Ryan was in town for a law student's conference) this evening. We had a delightful time. Ryan even took my side on an issue we were discussing, which goes to show you he is a very smart young man.

There should have been one more person at dinner -- Ryan's s friend, Brittany. She wasn't there because she allegedly had cookies in the oven. I suggested to Ryan that was just an excuse to avoid meeting us. Ryan explained the Village kids don't like to bring their dates around the Village parents. He referenced the young man Courtney brought to a Village event that was told to "get your own plate." Regardless of that one event, I am just baffled by the idea that Ryan and the others may feel the need to "protect" their significant others from the Village parents.

Would the Village kids please explain why they wouldn't want the people who love them oh so much to meet the young man or woman that may one day be added to the Village?

Note: Ryan's friend picked him up from the restaurant, so we had the opportunity to meet her and have a nice conversation. They make a cute couple, as can be seen in the photo above. She is cute and smart and my soror. Best of all, she bought us a Ziploc bag full of homemade sugar cookies -- fresh out of the oven!

Does the Village Connection Trickle Down?

2009-01-11T18:48:00.004-06:00

by Mama Rita

Earlier today I was trying to decide whom I should call to get advice on how to handle a problem I am facing. Among my list of possible "counselors" members of the Village immediately came to mind. It feels nice knowing that I have close friends that I can go to and feel confident that they would be there when I need objective, wise counsel.

I don't know why, but I am wondering if the Village offspring have the same connection among each other as the parents have among themselves. I remember one of the Village young people admitted he called one of the Village adults (the particular situation required avoiding alerting his parents) when he needed some "financial assistance" at college. I also have heard the funny story when Tim was helping Brandon long distance with a college accounting class. Which means the Village young people would, when necessary, ask one of the adults for help. But do they go to each other for help, encouragement, advice? (And an occasional posting on Facebook doesn't count.) Or is that component of the Village relationship only among the adults?

In other words, does the Village Connection trickle down? Village young folks tell me how y'all connect!

Why I Love the Villagers

2008-12-29T08:31:00.006-06:00

by Papa Luke
The travel time from St. Louis to Kansas City is four hours plus or minus an hour; so this time gives one plenty of time to reflect. I reflected recently during a recent trip over the holidays why I love these villagers. Here's a brief list.

No pretense. Several of the adult villagers have accomplished much. For example, one villager is Vice President of an institution that will play a prominent role in getting our country out of the recession. One villager works for a highly successful and world renowned advertising firm. And one villager is a high ranking official with the city of Kansas City. All of us come from quite modest beginnings; yet, these villagers do not parade their amazing accomplishments. (Well, I guess the only pretense is that the ladies get their gray hair covered; us men, proudly show our gray.)
Laughter. Our village is one in which it is safe to laugh at each other and oneself. And we all have done things that warrant laughter. Our kids certainly do this well. There are often several times when we hear hearty laughter from our kids when they get together. And they seem to really like each other.
Place to learn. I always learn something from the men of the village. I learn how to be a better man, father, and husband. I also learn from our kids who range in ages from 12 years to the early 20s.
Critical thinking kids. We all have raised our kids to be critical thinkers. The proof of this is seen clearly when engaging in conversation with the two oldest kids. When conversing with the two oldest kids of the village, one needs to be prepared to go toe-to-toe. This is not to say that our kids are saints as they all have done some stupid things (as I did when I was their age). Yet, I am proud to be called "Papa Luke" by this group of kids.

The Village Journey – What a Trip!

2008-12-17T15:39:00.009-06:00

by Papa_Stan

I was thinking about some of our experiences together as a village and realized it has been quite a journey. I bet you don’t even remember the time we roasted Luke on his birthday at Stake and Ale. Do you realize that we have been together for over a quarter of a century? And if you count Tim and Pat’s days in the Vineyard and Dorri and Ced’s days at Friendship, the time really gets staggering. But the truth of the matter, I’ve enjoyed every step of the way (well maybe except for the New Orleans trip). Anyway, I was wondering what has been your most memorable or enjoyable or controversial moment along this journey? Some ideas that pop to mind for me:
1. The Washington, D.C. trip
2. The New Orleans Trip (by way of Arkansas)
3. Rita’s famous “Snicker Bars”
4. Lake of the Ozarks Condo One (we all stayed in one big condo)
5. Lake of the Ozarks Condos Two (no jet ski for Caleb)
6. Golf at the Lake (it was like 105 degrees)
7. Allen Field House
8. The golf challenge at the picnic (were we trying to hit balls in a bucket?)
9. The Speech (“Oh the Places You Will Go”)
10. Golf at Big Swope (OK. So we’re slow players.)
11. Golf at Little Swope (Nice golf bag Courtney)
12. Picnic (you pick one)
13. Christmas dinner/gift exchange (you pick one)
14. Heart-to-heart talks
15. College send-off speeches
16. Caleb’s baseball game

Sometimes it Might be OK to be a Country Club

2008-12-15T09:06:00.004-06:00

by Rita
An excerpt from an article in the New York Times:

"In the presidential campaign, the Obamas had a “no new friends” rule, surrounding themselves with a coterie of familiar faces. Even if the Obamas lift that rule in Washington, newcomers are unlikely to replicate the intensity of this group’s ties, formed over more than a decade by births and deaths, Scrabble games, barbecues and vacations, but also by shared beliefs about race, success and responsibility." (NYT, 12/14/08)

Full link here: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/14/us/politics/14friends.html

I wrote in a previous post that a village can get you elected president. And it seems there might be times when it is necessary to be very intentional about protecting the village membership list.

Your thoughts?

Country Club or Community Center?

2008-12-13T15:47:00.003-06:00

by Courtney

We've been doing a lot of advocating for the spreading this village philosophy, but really, how open is our village? I have my opinion, but I'm interested in hearing everyone else's. Are we an exclusive country club or are we an open and inviting community center and why? I don't think either is wrong, but I do think we need to come to grips with who we really are.

Now We Can Start The Conversation

2008-12-13T13:34:00.003-06:00

by Tim

I know you have been waiting on me. It took awhile but I am here. So lets get started.

We did this to entertain, educate, and inform. But who is our true audience. Is it us or them? And how do we define us or them?

Let's try not to forget why we are here and why we started what we started.

Another time...................

Are Villages Born or Made?

2008-12-10T22:37:00.003-06:00

by Stan

I know this is more commonly a question asked about leaders, but it seems appropriate given our desire to encourage others through our example. Just as with leaders, the answer to this question is most likely, “Both”. You see, the most successful leaders must possess certain innate qualities that one simply cannot learn… desire, passion, drive, imagination, caring, etc. But those are not enough. Leaders must also learn communication, visioning, prioritization, strategy, etc. Now don’t get me wrong, one can become a competent leader by learning the X’s and O’s, but truly brilliant leadership is revealed when developed skills are enlivened with natural traits… they compliment one another.

So it is with villages. For a village to be truly remarkable the villagers must share certain innate, fundamental values… spirituality, family, health, education, etc. It is these values upon which the village is built. These are the ties that bind. Without these basic building blocks, it is impossible to find the common ground required for sustainable relationships. That is, after all, what a village is… relationships. I can only imagine that absent these common values, the village would be filled with frustration, confusion, close-mindedness and overall conflict. In other words, it would be the exact antithesis of a village.

Once villagers have identified and gravitated toward this common value set, the real work can begin and the true value can be realized. Our values offer the backdrop for the group norms we must establish and the behaviors that we must learn to exhibit. Over time we learn what is acceptable and what is out of bounds. Through the process of becoming a village and building those relationships with fellow villagers, you learn what buttons not to push and what paths not to cross. A note of caution, however… villages that are built solely upon group norms and organizational rules (learned activities devoid of shared values) can become very stark and disingenuous. Rather than functioning from a position of authentic admiration and sincere empathy, villagers operate from a position of pretense and showmanship.

In the final analysis, there is no single formula for establishing a successful village. They must be grounded on shared values (born) and evolved through shared experiences (made).

Villages are Not Formulaic, They Just Happen

2008-12-10T20:04:00.006-06:00

by Luke

The formation of a ‘village’ is not forced or initiated; rather it happens naturally and even, dare I say, mystically and providentially. In other words, one does not start out to be a member of a village, it just happens to him or her. Our ‘village’ is a great case study in this regard. Some of us have been ‘around’ each other or shared the same space before entering the village.

Consider the following: four of the members of our village went to the same high school; two graduated in 1978, one graduated in 1977, the other one graduated in 1976. The four fathers and two of the sons are members of the same fraternity. Six of the members of our village went to the same college. After graduating from college, the couples just started hanging out.

Why? We had so many things in common: fraternal ties, worldview ties, collegial ties, etc. And no one said, “Hey, we have these things in common, so let’s start hanging out together.” And no one said, “Hey, let’s call ourselves a ‘village.’” We just spent time together and an unforced genuine fondness for each other just happened. In other words, there is not a formula or recipe to follow to get a special group of close friends like this. It just happens and I think you will know when it happens.

All four couples have two kids each. Two couples are godparents to each other’s children. Several years ago one of the village families moved to St. Louis and the other three families remain in Kansas City, Missouri. When the family now living in St. Louis visits Kansas City, they make visiting with the other three couples a high priority.

Today, we continue to hang out because I think subconsciously and consciously we all realize we have a special and dear friendship. A member of the village once sensed when another member was struggling, which was confirmed with a call.

We actually enjoy each other’s company and we can disagree and still enjoy each others’ company. Two couples (before kids) traveled from Kansas City to/from New Orleans by car together. And in spite of the fact that one of the wives was a little annoying (she didn’t mean to be), we are still friends. We all have gone on vacations together (yes four families together).

All of our experiences, well, they just happened.

A Village Can Help You Become President of the U.S.

2008-12-09T19:45:00.008-06:00

by Rita

For many years we have heard that the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" is an old African proverb. In reality, no one knows for sure the origin of the phrase. What I do know is that a "village" can indeed help you raise a child, help you enjoy life, help you through the rough times, help you feel loved and it can even help you get elected president of the United States. (Wouldn't you agree President-elect Obama?)

I feel truly blessed to be a member of The Village Connection (a formal name we recently adopted) which consists of four families that have been connected for more than 25 years. Over the years the parent members of our village have together been school mates (high school and college), celebrated marriages, shared parenting tips, rejoiced in career achievements, grieved over the loss of loved ones, relaxed on mini-vacations, improved our golf games, and yes assumed we had parental authority and love for all the village children.

The Village children, several of whom we must now consider to be adults (where did the time go?), have supported each other and the parents in so many ways and will surely continue the legacy of our village. They are a delight to know and contain so many good qualities, that they are too numerous to list.

I firmly believe that our village has made our collective lives better. And, I believe that if there were more families connected together in their own villages, the world would be a better place and amazing things would be achieved.

The Obama's have acknowledged on several occasions the important role their close-knit group of friends (their Village) has played in their lives. One could even argue that their village was a significant factor in winning the election.

When you have a group of friends that will support and believe in you, no matter what, and that you can trust them to give you wise counsel and honest feedback, as you pursue your destiny; then yes, I believe you too can get to the highest office in the land.

My suggestion to those without a village, start one now!

Village meet World, World meet The Village

2008-11-25T20:14:00.004-06:00

by Courtney

Welcome to the Village Connection. The Village Connection has 2 goals:

1)As a community, we want to make sure that the Village members have as many ways as possible to stay connected with each other. A blog is a central location that we can all come to connect with other Village members.

2)As those who practice and advocate the Village philosophy this blog provides a tool for us to share our stories with the world. Here, people can read our ideas and participate in our conversation.

So, I hope you're as excited as I am about this new opportunity. Share your ideas with us to get the conversation started. Here's your chance to introduce your friends to the Village.